No, we will NOT be visiting your stupid city (Jim)

Frequently when talking to people, both strangers and friends alike about our road trip, we are treated with some form of the expression "Oh, while you are in [state or region] you must be going to [city in aforementioned geographical area]".  Well, no actually.  So far on this trip we have been to only two places I would call cities, both of which seemed exotic enough to us to justify the trip: Halifax, Nova Scotia and Portland, Oregon.  I recognize that your definition of 'exotic' may differ from ours.  Oh, and we went to Spokane, Washington and Rapid City, SD for the sole purposes of exploiting shower and laundry resources of friendly Couch Surfing hosts.  So they don't really count.

Rapid City, you don't count.  Because you are terrible.

We kept a wide berth of Boston, New York City, Toronto, Chicago, Detroit, Green Bay and the Twin Cities.   We even took a ferry across the Puget Sound to avoid getting too close to Seattle.  We do have plans to see such places as San Francisco, Nashville and Washington DC eventually but it is the presence of friends that will bring us there and not the cities themselves.

What do we have against cities?  Technically, nothing.  We also have nothing in them (ourselves, get it? Ba-dum ching?  Sigh).  Some people might consider it a waste to drive within spitting distance of our nation's major cultural centers but it really comes down to a matter of practicality and tastes. 

Practically speaking, we are driving a 20' truck.  Not a behemoth, but certainly not fun to drive on crowded freeways or hectic downtowns, particularly considering the angry nature of city drivers (OMIGOD I HAVE TO GET TO THAT RED LIGHT FASTER WHILE TEXTING ON MY SEVENTH IPHONE AND SIPPING THIS STARBUCKS LATTE!!!)  Plus, our rear view mirror is rendered useless by the presence of the camper.  Parking is possible in most spaces but difficult enough to be a deterrent.  We don't fit in parking garages, relegating us to lots on the outskirts of most downtowns.  Our F250 draws judgmental glares from hybrid and scooter drivers. 



You're also a dipshit

Oh, and we also have a dog who is a pain in the ass to walk around on the cities as she alternates being terrified of walking over grates and trying to scarf down every single damn discarded fast food wrapper, cigarette butt, and chipmunk.  Leave her in the camper?  Oh perish the thought.  My only consolation during these excruciating walks is watching Lindsay on the verge of apoplexy as all the passers by dote on Keira, grabbing her face and kissing her nose because she is such a precious Golden and would never, EVER bite a human.  Personally, I would not begrudge her the occasional nibble of yuppie face to remind them that one shouldn't assume a dog won't bite you just because it has yellow fur.

This dog belongs here.....

 

...and not here, except when she is flipping off morons in an Apple store.  Did you know Apple has its own stores, with nothing but Apple products?  Did you know there were that many idiots in the world?

But really, the slight inconveniences of driving a truck and having a dog would not keep us out of cities if we really wanted to get in.  But we don't, because of our personal preference.  We don't really understand why you would want to go out of your way to see most American cities, frankly.

I will go so far as to say I do not understand what it is people do when they visit a city.  As far as I can tell, you can walk around and look at buildings and go out to eat and/or drink  That's basically it.

Some cities have reputations for amazing cuisines, and I do not doubt that every city has great restaurants...which is exactly why I don't care.  It's just not special enough to be worth the hassle.  For example:  I have been led to purchase dinner for two in Boston's North End (famed for its 'authentic' Italian cuisine) on two separate occasions (Significant Other Note: Neither of these were for Lindsay, she only gets rice and beans cooked in a camper).  What did I get for my trouble?  $100+ bills for the same pasta I could make at home, an hour wait, and crammed like a sardine into a floor so tight that my elbows knock with people from the tables on either side of me.  "Oh but the streets outside are narrow and this building is old and the cook is Italian and loud.  Oh and the cannolis!"  You know what?  Fuck your cannoli.  The stupid filling is nothing but ricotta cheese and powdered sugar and the outside is a fried dough tube.  Delicious?  Sure, but so is every other possible combination of sugar and fat on the planet.  Don't be fooled into thinking there is anything special about a North End Cannoli.

You really piss me off, Cannoli

In New York City?  Oh, well surely you must pay $15 a drink for a martini made from the same vodka as a martini in New Jersey or Alaska or Nicaragua.  Or better yet go read the New York Times in a coffee shop in Soho with a $14 latte with steamed soy milk art on top from a douchebag hipster barista.

Great.  A coffee with a milk froth drawing of a vagina.  Just what I was missing in my small town life.

Think about it.  We have all at one point or another visited a friend in a city.  What do they do with you?  Bring you out eating or drinking.  Is that really a good reason in itself to go to one?  Sure, San Antonio, Dallas and Houston have lots of great restaurants.  But so does your own town, and going there probably means you get to interact with fewer Texans, who are assholes.  We may have missed many good restaurants in Seattle, but guess what, we caught a couple great ones in Olympia at a half the cost and a fraction of the hassle.  Even when I used to enjoy expense account dinners in such cities as Minneapolis, Boston, Detroit and Denver, I would not say the food was noticeably better than at restaurants in small cities and towns.  Just more expensive.  And the beverages?

Could have spent $15 for a drink here....

...but I prefer this view...

...and Lindsay prefers this one: me in front of just half of the delicious free beers from touring Deschutes Brewery in Bend, Oregon.

So, we have established that we are not interested in driving in and around cities with our truck camper, and that we can enjoy high quality cuisine in the areas around cities.  If a city is interesting (good people watching?), it is worth a walk around and maybe a night boondocking on the road near a park.

And for the record, I do understand some of the cultural attractions.  I could spend days at the MET and probably weeks at the Smithsonian.  Some day I would like to re-visit Washington DC to see the monuments again.  I'll pass on your aquariums and zoos for condescending hippy ethical reasons.  I'm not interested in theater, and I'll take an intimate blues concert in Concord NH over a rock event at a night club in Boston any day.  Smaller towns can be just as rich in music, theater, and other such cultural events if one is so inclined.  As for architecture, sorry America, but you're just too young for me to be interested.  I would love to spend future vacations touring old world cities with actual ancient history, but that just doesn't happen here in North America:

I would go to Istanbul to see you...

...but not to Atlanta to see you.

Personally, I do not have anything against city life.  Sometimes I fantasize about the simplicity of living in a small apartment or condo, completely free of the worry of house and property maintenance one gets by choosing to live in a rural area.  The idea of not having to own a car is especially appealing.  Cities are designed well for the folks that live there, just not for traveling folks like us.

Also, remember that time I talked about all the good reasons to have a truck camper?  Well, the truck camper is great for visiting parks, forests, beaches, etc.  But it is completely unnecessary to visit cities.  If for some reason I ever become a moron and want to visit, say, Orlando, all I need to do is buy a plane ticket, rent an efficient car and get a room.  Cities are easy to visit.  Glacier National Park is not easy to visit without having driven your home completely across the country.

Getting here was hard...

...but this made it so much easier!

And finally, the significant other (S.O.) did a great job explaining the finances of the trip here.  Notice what isn't in the budget?  $300 for a Manhattan hotel room a night, $50 parking in Boston, or $100 dinners at any major city.  Our budget for an entire six months (minimum) of living, for two people, is $30K.  A single weekend in a major city could easily cost us $1000 or 3% of our entire road trip budget.  It's just not a good value for our money.  For a fraction of that cost, we could camp in a gorgeous natural setting for a full week, enjoying actual peace, beauty and quiet.

The luffa at Sylvan Lake in the Black Hills may not have been quite as luxurious as one at the Manhattan Hilton, but the cost and views were quite a bit better.  Sorry, Keira.

So please, let us be very clear, that NO, we do not want to visit Los Angeles, San Diego, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Denver St.LousAtlantaNewOrleansMiamiBaltimorePhiladelphia.  We just don't care.  If you are friends that live in a major metropolitan area and we visit you, let that be a clear indication that we actually like you (or want to use your washing machine).